Three Mercenaries in Equestria
by KingdomOfThomond
Summary: RED managed to secure themselves a holiday, although Pyro, Medic, and Heavy remain in their base. Three weeks later, Pyro discovers a multicoloured oval in his bedroom, and the three mercenaries investigate.
1. The Portal in Pyro's Room

The RED team had managed to wrangle themselves a summer off, and, as he sat at his desk doing what little remained of a small mountain of paperwork, Medic expected that the rest of the team were enjoying theirs, and not having to do anything like he was. Medic, Heavy, and Pyro remained at the base, due to a lack of desire to go on holiday, not having anywhere better to go, or indeed for Pyro, nowhere else to go.

Meanwhile, as Medic was engaged in paperwork and his thoughts, Pyro was walking towards Medic's office, the door to which was open, allowing Offenbach's Orpheus In The Underworld to escape down the corridor. Pyro was carrying the Axtinguisher and had a serious expression etched on its mask, which happened to look identical to each of the Pyro's other expressions. Medic, unaware that Pyro was looking for him, was surprised when the arsonist appeared at his door with the fore-mentioned Axtinguisher.

Pyro beckoned Medic with its left hand, mumbling something that sounded vaguely like "come". Medic put down his pen, and followed Pyro. Counting up in his head, the German reckoned that this was the sixth time Pyro beckoned him to follow it in the last week alone. Going down into the basement, where Pyro lived, Medic assumed it was the sixth time that week he was shown Pyro's flamethrower collection, and promptly prepared himself for about an hour of mumbling, fire, and flamethrowers.

Despite this, Medic was not prepared for what he saw when he went into Pyro's bedroom. On an unused part of a wall, between Pyro's bed and it's private resupply locker, was an oval with red, green, yellow and black coloured strands, with the strands moving around aimlessly.

"Ach, this looks vorse than those Jews I once saw in a gas chamber during the Second Vorld Var." stated Medic, after a couple of seconds of him staring at the oval.

Reassuring Pyro that he would return shortly, Medic quickly walked out of Pyro's room. A few minutes later, with Pyro getting more nervous by the second, until Medic returned, not only with Heavy, but also the Ubersaw, the Kritzkrieg, and the Blautsauger. Heavy, in the Mobster set, went over to the multicoloured oval.

"So, this is what Doktor wanted me to see. Looks like portal, but none I've seen." stated the Russian.

"Zhen ve must go and find out vhat is at the other end of ze portal, for ze vellbeing of us all." said Medic, training the Kritzkrieg on Heavy. The two men proceeded through what had now been identified as a portal, while Pyro took the Backburner, the Manmelter, and the Neon Annihilator, before following Heavy and Medic into the unknown.

(-)

Finding themselves in a dark, dimly lit underground room, and the portal disappearing behind them after they stepped through it, Pyro took out the Neon Annihilator and used it to light up the room. This revealed several casks of exceptionally good ale, which Medic sampled. He stated that the owner had power, money, friends in the right places, or a probable combination of all three.

The three mercenaries then paid their attention to the locked door: a large, heavy oak thing. Pyro, deciding fire was the best option, pulled out the Backburner, but Medic and Heavy stopped it for three reasons. The first was that the fire could spin out of control. The second was that it would ruin a perfectly good door. The third was that they would have to pay to replace it. Heavy, being the Russian bear that he is, broke the lock by giving the door a mere push.

In the corridor outside, the occasional and nearly dead candles gave out a feeble, flickering source of light. Again relying on the Neon Annihilator, the three mercenaries turned and went down the passageway on their left. When this resulted in finding a dead end, the mercenaries turned around and headed back the way they came. At the far end, they encountered another locked door. Heavy was again employed for his lock-breaking skills.

They were immediately hit by a wave of cool and crisp night air. Outside the door, a flight of stairs led up to ground level. These were climbed, and the mercenaries found themselves in a castle. After looking at the stars for a few minutes, Medic spoke.

"I think ve should establish vere ve are." he stated.

"I know. Is Canterlot Castle." stated Heavy.

"Vhere? Nein, is that one of zhose places in zhat little girl's show you vatch, er, Freundshaft Ist Magie?" asked Medic.

"Da." replied Heavy.

Pyro cocked its head to one side, which was the arsonist's way of questioning what had been said.

"You didn't hear Heavy vatching that show?" questioned Medic.

Pyro nodded.

"Ja? Ve are in one of ze locations from zhat show."

Heavy, meanwhile, was moving across the courtyard before being arrested by a stern voice from behind.

"Halt! Who goes there?"

* * *

**A/N** Please rate and review, bearing in mind this is my first TF2/MLP:FIM crossover.


	2. Enter Father Grigori

Chapter 2

Heavy, by instinct, turned around with a revved up Tomislav, searching for the source of the voice. Medic stopped lecturing Pyro on little girls' shows, and both got ready for a fight. The long, snaking red beam of the Kritzkrieg connected Heavy and Medic, and illuminated the surrounding area in a red glow, with helped the Russian to identify the source of the voice as the owner landed in front of him.

"Is Princess Luna." stated Heavy, in a half surprised, half excited voice.

"An alien intruder who knows my name. What are you, alien?" asked Luna.

"I am giant man on team of tiny baby men."

"Man?"

"Mankind. Or Human, vhichever you prefer." interjected Medic, as he and Pyro walked over to join Heavy.

"Come this way. My sister will not be impressed." stated Luna.

Medic whispered to Heavy: "Vasn't this one bad?"

"Used to be. Now good." replied the Russian.

"Any idea vhere ve are in ze storyline?"

"Nyet. But will ask what last letter of friendship was."

"Remember Heavy, you are ze one who vatched ze show. I caught parts, but ve must not reveal information about ze future of zhese...ponies. It vill bring only catastrophe."

"If Doktor says so."

(-)

Father Grigori was fighting zombies from the rooftops of Ravenholm.

"I remember your true face." stated Father Grigori, as he finished off a small pack of zombies.

A short distance away, more zombies were shuffling towards the house he was fighting from. It had been a week since the silent man in the black and orange suit had passed through, and Father Grigori was still feeling the aftershocks. But Father Grigori continued doing what he had done since the headcrab shelling of Ravenholm, and continued to tend to his flock.

In the distance, towards City 17, Father Grigori heard an explosion.. He knew this was the work of the silent man from more than a work ago. A few hours later, Father Grigori saw a wall of blue approaching Ravenholm, and knew that this was the end of Ravenholm. Salvation had come, and his time was up. Just as he was about to be hit by the blue wall, a door appeared next to Father Grigori.

Understanding that he would surely die if he stayed, that he could do no more in Ravenholm, and also as an act of self-preservation, Grigori opened the door, stepped through, and closed it behind him. The door turned to dust after him, and Father Grigori praised the Lord for his deliverance from death, and took the incident as the Lord having another purpose for the priest.

Taking note of his surroundings, which were items of clothing, some crowns, and other, miscellaneous items, such as scrolls, Father Grigori determined that he was in a wardrobe. Holding Annabel close, the priest exited the wardrobe, considering his situation too C. ' The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe for his liking.

Upon exiting through the wardrobe by the door opposite the one he came in, Father Grigori found himself in the same room as a large whit alicorn with multicoloured and flowing hair.

"Ah, what is this?" asked Grigori, causing the alicorn to stir.

"To be discovered her would do me no good." stated Grigori in a much quieter voice.

Going to the door, Grigori opened it as it was opened from the other side by a dark blue alicorn, accompanied by three humans, one of which was identical to the pictures and descriptions of his Great Uncle Heavy that his grandmother used to talk a lot about.

"What are you doing in my sister's room with a gun?" asked Luna, in a tone that told Grigori to tread very lightly indeed.

"The wardrobe. I came through there after escaping Ravenholm. I am looking for the way out." replied Grigori.

"Ah, you must be Grigori, Ludmila's grandson, da?" asked Heavy.

"Da."

"She vas one of your sisters, vasn't she?" questioned Medic.

"Da." answered Heavy.

While Heavy and Father Grigori were having a family reunion, Luna was busy waking up her sister. Princess Celestia, upon being awoken, listened to Luna's brief report, and approached the three men and Pyro.

"You are the intruders. Explain yourselves." commanded Celestia.

Father Grigori started first.

"Over the past few weeks, I have been carrying out the work of salvation in Ravenholm. Slightly more than a week ago, a silent man in a black and orange suit came through the town, stirring up Hell as he did so. And he stirred up Hell again less than an hour ago. I managed to escape through a door, provided by the Lord in all of his great mercy, before Ravenholm was probably destroyed, and the door disappeared into dust. I ended up in the wardrobe, and attempted my escape, but was captured by the dark blue one." stated the priest.

"So, a religious leader, I assume?"

Father Grigori nodded, before Medic spoke on behalf of his fellow mercenaries.

"Ve are part of a group of eight men and Pyro. Ze others managed to secure a six veek holiday, the first of experienced since I joined in 1968., and left us in our base. Pyro discovered a multicoloured portal in its bedroom, and, out of concern for our safety and its, ve vent through it and into ze cellars here. Luna found us after ve left ze cellars."

"And what does that group stand for or do?" asked Luna.

"Ve...are professionals. Ve specialise in particular fields."

"Yours is obviously in the medical profession. What of the others?"

Medic shot Heavy and Pyro a glance of "Don't mention the killing bit."

"I have Ph.D. in Russian Literature." stated Heavy.

"And Pyro tends to the heating and fireworks." added Medic.

"Are you able to return to where you came from?" asked Celestia.

"Nein. Ze portal disappeared after ve vent through it. It vill be at least three veeks before ve are able to go back." replied Medic.

"I have a possible solution to you staying, to be able to integrate without causing concern or fear, and without continued interference from my subjects. I propose to turn you four into one of us." stated Celestia.

Heavy started grinning excessively, while Pyro cocked its head on one side. Father Grigori asked if there was an alternative option. Medic, who had probably used quantum mechanics to consider every possible option at once, backed up Celestia's statement.

"Ve have to remain here for three veeks. If ve vere allowed into society like zhis, zhen ve vould cause panic and concern, like Celestia said, so ve vould have to spend zhose three veeks secluded in zhis castle. On ze other hand, if ve vere transformed into ponies, zhen ve vould be able to move about freely."

Medic turned to Princess Celestia.

"Do you mind if I vas present in ze conversion of ze others, taking notes. It is an interesting concept."

"Yes, that would be fine. And considering your profession, it would be useful to have you around, as I haven't done this spell before and it might go badly.

And so, Heavy, Pyro, Father Grigori, and then Medic were converted into ponies

Heavy became an enormous brown earth pony, with a short black tail and a bald head. Pyro, still in an abestos-lined suit and gas mask, had tufts of short, burnt, orange hair issuing from where it's mane and tail should have been, and a horn piecing the top of the gas mask.. Father Grigori, now a light grey pegasus, had a short black tail and bald head, like Heavy. Father Grigori briefly attempted flying, which he was fairly successful in, although he stated that it made little sense for ponies to fly, and promptly stopped doing so. Medic had become a yellow alicorn, with a rather neatly groomed black mane, and a comparatively long tail. He attempted neither flight or magic.

Medic found it rather interesting that their former clothes fitted almost perfectly, with minor adjustments required in the seat of their trousers for tails. In addition, Medic noticed that, with his limited knowledge of ponies, he and Heavy, and presumably Pyro, had their class symbols on their flanks, while Father Grigori had three crosses.

After a brief moment of readjustment, Celestia informed them of her decision to send them to Twilight Sparkle, and explained to the men, although rather pointlessly to Heavy, that this was her former student. The white alicorn then issued them off to one of the spare rooms for the rest of the night. Heavy asked Celestia what the last letter of friendship was.

Medic, in the corridor outside, didn't hear the answer, but asked Heavy, after the Russian appeared next to the German, what point they were in the story line. Heavy replied that they were between the second and third episodes of series four.

"And how many series are zhere?" asked Medic.

"Six" replied Heavy.


	3. Six Man Rescue Party

Chapter 3

Three weeks later, Scout, Soldier, Engineer, Demoman, Sniper, and Spy returned to their base, complaining that, despite it being the first holiday they had since they joined, they found themselves unable to get very far, and all they could see was the desolation of what had once been New Mexico. Several conspiracy theories had been developed, revolving around aliens, the USSR, more aliens, war, even more aliens, genocide, and the strip mining of planets, although most had been thought up by Soldier, and the rest gave very little attention to his conspiracy theories.

Engineer, concerned that none of those who had just returned from holiday had seen even a glimpse of Heavy, Medic, or Pyro, and grew even more concerned when the missing mercenaries' main haunts, with the exception of Pyro's bedroom, had yielded no discovery. Engineer decided to check Pyro's bedroom, as, although he deemed it near impossible that all three of the missing mercenaries could be in there.

What greeted Engineer was the same portal that Heavy, Medic, and Pyro had gone through. Touching it, and seeing his hand go through, Engineer set up his teleporter exit, refilled his metal supply from Pyro's resupply cabinet, and went to find the rest of the team, most of whom were in the lounge. Soldier wasn't, probably talking to his heads, or even worse,, coming up with new conspiracy theories. When Engineer went into the lounge, Scout, Demoman, Sniper and Spy stared at him if he were a Spy, but said nothing.

"Boys, Heavy, Medic, and Pyro ain't here. Judgin' by what I assume to be a portal in Pyro's bedroom, I expect that they went through it." stated Engineer.

Scout laughed outright, while the other three groaned, along with a combination of swear words and "Idiots" coming mainly from Sniper, being that most people like going on a rescue mission of people who should have known better than to go blindly charging into things, and especially when the rescuers have just come back from holiday.

Soldier, who had heard everything while he was approaching the lounge after discussing conspiracy theories with his heads, told them what a bunch of cowardly slackers they all were, and stated that they all should be wanting to get a bit of glory and excitement from a rescue mission. As well as being given the possibility of getting in a fight.

This got the slackers somewhat motivated, and Engineer shot Soldier a look of thanks for one of the few times that Soldier had helped Engineer. Weapons were collected from personal armouries, and the mercenaries assembled in Pyro's bedroom. Engineer suggested that Soldier go first, followed by himself, and stated that this would give Engineer time to erect a teleporter entrance, so that they would have a passage back to the base. This got nods of approval from the others.

Soldier taunted with the Market Gardener, and leapt through the portal. Engineer pulled out his PDA, selected teleporter entrance, and followed Soldier. After a few moments, the teleporter exit on the floor of Pyro's bedroom whirled into life. Engineer materialised in a flash of colour, who stated that it was safe to go through.

Sniper asked Engineer about the why Engineer had erected a teleporter, and Engineer replied that it was a precautionary action should they be unable to return to the base the way they came, which was the case.

Engineer again refilled his metal supply from Pyro's resupply locker,, and went back through the portal. The others followed suit. Upon arrival, Spy quickly identified that they were in a cellar, which caused the others to cry obscenities and sarcastic comments at the quick identification, and about Spies in general.

Going through the door, the broken lock being instantly attributed to Heavy, the mercenaries turned right, and found the main cellar door, which had had its lock repaired. Spy picked the lock, and the team of six continued onwards. Crossing the courtyard in the search for their missing team-mates, they were stopped by the same voice that stopped Heavy three weeks earlier.

Princess Luna landed in front of Spy, as he looked the most respectable, which almost gave the Frenchman a heart attack, which the others would have heartily rejoiced in if it had happened. However, in contrast to the reception of Heavy, Medic, and Pyro, the six men laughed, with the exception of Spy, who was recovering from his close brush with a heart attack, and Engineer, who was a secret brony.

Engineer quickly got his team-mates to stop laughing so that Luna could speak to them, and hear the news of their team-mates.


	4. Lurking in the Shadows

Chapter 4

Medic was mildly surprised when he saw Spy lurking in the shadows of Ponyville the following morning, obviously using the Cloak And Dagger. Yes, he'd been expecting the other mercenaries to come, but it was still a surprise to see Spy.

Using his ability to fly, Medic quickly mad e his way to Fluttershy's cottage, where Heavy had been lodging the previous few weeks, and been attempting, with mild success, to help the pegasus look after the animals.

Landing next to the two ponies, Medic briefly spoke.

"Heavy, ze others are here. Ze Spy at least, who is using the Cloak and Dagger.

"So, is time to go. But do not want to go, after what Grigori said on train here." replied Heavy.

"Vhat he said to us also applies to ze rest of ze team as vell. Go get him. Ze others should here vhat he has to say."

Fluttershy mumbled something along the lines that she would stay where she was.

Heavy Lumbered off towards Zecorra's house, where Father Grigori had been sleeping between his hunts of dangerous animals in the Everfree Forest. Medic flew towards the bridge Pyro lived under after cutting down too many apple trees at Sweet Apple Acres, and committing acts of arson. Which, to be fair, were mainly due to Pyro's interesting perspective on reality, and probably didn't know what it had done wrong.

Medic found Pyro, looking at something it must have found interesting, but in reality was a weed being torn apart by an army of ants. Repeating part of what he'd said to Heavy, Medic told Pyro that the other mercenaries had arrived.

Medic then went in search of Spy, which, even though Spy had moved to a different part of the town, Medic was able to see his barely visible red silhouette.

"Spy, I know you are zhere. Vere you vere vaiting to see one of come past in human form." stated Medic

Spy de-cloaked, saying one word.

"Docteur?" asked Spy.

"Ja. Please, answer my question."

"I did. Now, where are the others?"

"Coming. With the exception of Heavy's great nephew, the do not possess the gift of flight, nor do zhey know vhere ve are, and so they may be some time." replied Medic.

Spy, doing what he did best, cloaked again.

"Spy, vhere are ze others?" asked Medic after a few moments.

"They are hiding in the basement of that library in a tree since half six this morning after we caught a goods train." replied the Frenchman.

Medic, who had been living there with Twilight Sparkle in the library for the last three weeks, was surprised.

"I thought I heard something, and I should have investigated. How did you keep Scout quiet?"

"Engineer had some duct tape, which we coved Scout's mouth with, and tied his legs together with Engineer's electrical wire.

Medic let out a short, evil laugh, before going quiet again- he was attracting the attention of every pony that was passing by, most assumed he was mad, talking to the shadows. Ignorance is a dangerous thing, especially when Spies are involved.

"And Docteur, were your weapons confiscated?" asked Spy.

"Nein. I think Princess Celestia vas suprised enough by our presence that she ignored them. Besides, she vasn't in the most alert of states." replied Medic.

"I, thankfully, didn't have mine taken away. But the others did."

Pyro soon turned up, followed a little while later by Heavy and Father Grigori. The four ponies and Spy then went into the basement of the library. Twilight Sparkle, busy reading books, didn't notice the group of five go past. But then, after her own experience, books about inter-dimensional travel are an awful lot more interesting than the real thing happening right under your nose.

In the basement, the appearance of Pyro, Heavy, and Medic in pony form sent mild shock-waves through their comrades. Spy de-cloaked, and looked smug in such a way that suggested that he'd seen this coming for years. Little attention was paid to Father Grigori, until Soldier started talking about getting back to their base.

Engineer, leaning against his dispenser, destroyed his teleporter entrance in Canterlot Castle, and started building a new one. Then Heavy rumbled that Father Grigori wanted to speak to them about their jobs before they went back. Some groaned, and prepared themselves for a sermon on the evils of killing.

"In the Earth calendar, the year is the 22nd July, 2027, which is true for both you and I. Earth was taken over by aliens in the Seven Hour War. Since then, they have been paying you, not the Administrator or Mann Co., and you have been fighting to entertain the aliens. The aliens have been using your battles as propaganda, about how humans will kill their own kind for money. And if the resistance extremists catch up with you, life would be unpleasant for you at best. It is not safe or wise for you to return." said Father Grigori.

The mercenaries were silent, with Soldier rather glad that most of his conspiracy theories were true. Then Engineer called for a vote.

"All of ya in favour of returning', raise your hand."

Scout and Demoman raised their hands.

"And all in favour of stayin' here, raise your hand."

Pyro, Medic, and Heavy raised their hooves, while Engineer, Demoman, Sniper, and Spy raised their hands. Soldier grumbled about being happy if he was able to keep his severed heads, as well as being able to fight, while Father Grigori abstained.

Ignoring Demoman's two votes, support for staying in Equestria was six votes to one. Scout made dirty noises behind the duct-tape covering his mouth. Medic thought for a moment, before posing a question.

"Shouldn't ve check vith Princess Celestia zhat ve are velcome to stay permanently?"

"Good point." muttered Sniper.

Taking the short-cut to Canterlot castle though Engineer's teleporter and Pyro's bedroom, Medic and Engineer went to speak with Celestia. The others waited in the basement of the Ponyville library, only leaving for food or to relieve themselves.

After about an hour, maybe two, as Spy refused to tell the time and Sniper's watch stopped after quarter of an hour, Medic and Engineer returned to the basement, accompanied by Princess Celestia.

"Your colleagues informed me that it would be dangerous for you to return to your real world. You are welcome here on two conditions. The first is that you don't incite violence. The second, being that some of you have knowledge of Equestria's future, is not to tamper with it until we pass the limit of your knowledge." stated the princess.

Sniper spoke on behalf of his colleagues.

"Yeah, we'll agree to that.

* * *

**A/N** And that is how far my planning goes. If you want me to continue, please say so in a review (along with any advice, which would be nice). And thanks to Pirony and Eddguy, as I would have been a little demotivated if I hadn't had any positive feedback.


End file.
